That smile

It was a lazy sunny day. I was still in bed waiting for that sign from god to make me get up and get going with my life. But that day, god was lazy too. There were no signs.

It was already 1 in the morning/afternoon, but I kept on scrolling the reels and laughing like a crazy person. I was having a great time.

And that’s when I hear the god of thunder. My father. And a few seconds later, the goddess of hurricane chimes in. My mother. That’s when I realize - I have to wake up. This is a sign. Not what I would have liked. But it definitely is a sign.

I show up with all my courage at the door of my parents’ bedroom where all the action is happening. Thunder, hurricane, it’s a show. It’s a show that has been going on for the last 27 years of my life, and probably all 35 of theirs.

But we have a new character in today’s episode. She is somewhat of a new audience. She is underage, only 3 years old at the time. But the show she was witnessing was not PG-13 at all. I feel like I need to interrupt but of all the times I have tried doing so in the past. I have only made the situation worse. So I do what I always do - watch.

I am feeling sad, more sad than usual. We have a little kid who is unaware of what is going on. She can’t read the room. She is at the floor, playing with her blocks, trying to make something out of them.

I cannot help but think of myself when I was a kid. How I woke up to the voices of the same people and how it probably affected me too. And a generation later, that didn’t change. I think about how one tumultuous relationship could ruin not just one but multiple generations, and how one incident could result in hours of therapy and how my 3-year-old niece could be at the receiving end of all that.

It was sad.

But at that moment. Something happened. My niece raises her head and locks eyes with me. She was almost unbothered by what was going on. She knew that I had just woken up and hadn’t seen me all day, so she just looks at me and gives the most beautiful smile I have ever witnessed.

Guys, I have seen some beautiful things in this world. Sunsets, sunrises, mountains, the beach, cities, my girlfriend. But that smile is always going to be my favorite thing I have ever seen.

I was sad before that but that smile - it breaks my heart. And immediately after she did something I have never thought of doing. She looks at my dad and gives the same infectious smile. My father looks and smiles back at her. Stops everything he is saying and just leaves the room.

All that thought of therapy and ruins is just gone. She is still too young for that. To understand any of it. For her, it was just her grandparents talking - a little loud - but who are we kidding - we are Sedhains - we are always loud. And she had sadly gotten used to it.

I also envy her at the moment. She did what I could never do for the last 27 years - Stop my parents from fighting. All these years of trying to talk sense into them, of emotional blackmail, of crying, of being assertive, none of that helped. Who knew it just took an innocent little smile?

This is proof that communication doesn’t always mean words. It’s your face, your arms, your body, and where you look. And to be a great communicator in all situations - it’s difficult.

My niece communicated what I had not been able to, without even using a word. What did I learn? I’ve got to smile more. I have to look people in the eyes.

But I also know these are easier said than done. I would know because I am stuck with the same sad resting face in all situations. When I am caught on camera where I am not forcing myself to smile - I look like I want to kill myself. And I can’t get rid of that face.

I have gotten in situations where people look at me and go - Are you okay? You look so tired. But inside I would be feeling on top of the world. I have also been in situations where my face has served well like at my relative’s funeral where I have no clue who has died.

The trick I believe is in knowing how you are perceived and acting accordingly. When I took this test in Toastmasters, it labeled me as an Initiating communicator. A jovial person who loves to talk more than listen and sadly that’s true but only in my friends’ group. So you will also find me in the corner listening to everyone and never saying a word.

I am both of them.

Some say I am funny (smart people), others believe I am boring. But I know - all of them are right. Because I have multiple personalities that I can’t help. Now all I can do is bring myself to merge the different worlds I come from and sprinkle a little bit of all I am capable of. Talk a bit more in a place I am not speaking. Sometimes speak a little less, and maybe listen more. Sometimes not talk at all and just exist. Maybe try not to be funny with my friends and try a little harder in my speeches.

But I realized that when I was searching for what might work for me, I may have also stumbled upon one formula that could fit us all and that is to smile more. Because who knows it might solve a problem that’s bothering you for 27 years.