It's a circle

To say that my dad and I share a complicated relationship would be an understatement. My dad and I, we share a unique bond. He is 65 and I am twenty (clears throat and silently) six, so you know there is at least a couple generations worth of gap there. I do know that a lot of us here have fathers who are in the same age window, but its not just his age that makes our relationship unique. A thing about my father that makes him very special is that he stopped listening to other people when he was 40, and specially he stopped listening to my mother. That by the way, is the reason why they are still married today. But today, its not about them, it is about me and him. Probably the weirdest father-son duos of all time.

I am a young gen Z and my father is an old boomer. We share no common interests that we could talk about. He will not understand that the facebook he uses and the one I use are worlds apart. He will not find Archer or Seinfeld or Office or Friends or any of these tv series funny, while 90% of my personality is a direct copy from these shows.

However, in that impossible world of differences, we did manage to talk a few sentences every now and then about two things in particular. One - Cricket and two - the Share market.

But our relationship was badly hit ever since Dhoni retired from international cricket and I stopped following the game. And we all know how depressing it is to talk about share market lately. To top it all off, he and I have been living in two different cities since 2021 and I wouldn’t have even realized how rarely we exchange words if it hadn’t been for a roadtrip my father and I had to do a few weeks back. A trip from Kathmandu to Chitwan.

Now I was really dreading this journey. For all I know it could be from somewhere between 4 hours long to 14 hours. I was really worried about the conversations or the lack of it, we were about to have in that ride.

But it wasn’t always like this. I remember the time when we bonded over driving. I actually learnt driving from my dad. I learned everything I shouldn’t do on the road. He was a terrible driver and my mother always made sure I accompanied him wherever he had to drive alone. That, had brought us closer. That was the only 1 on 1 time, Dad and I used to have. So we talked a lot about those helicopter shots from Dhoni.

Today, the thought of driving with him also brought back this one incident from my childhood.

My dad and I were out on one of our drives. I took the car out - and drive until the nearest “main” road. It is something that I always did and nothing ever went wrong. Only that day it did. The left side of our car hits a guy walking at the side of the road. We stopped few meters ahead, hoping they wouldn’t notice a 14 year old driving but they did. The guy who was hit kicked the side of the door of the car and caught my father by the collar and dragged him out. This was the only time I saw my father helpless. He was quickly surrounded by a dozen people all lambasting at him as to why he let a kid drive. How could a father be so irresponsible? I could see people this close hitting my dad and I was there inside, helpless, with a steering wheel on my hand and tears trickling down my cheeks. I realized I had put my father in a position he had never imagined to be in. He was paying a price for supporting his son, for teaching his son to dream big at a young age, he was paying a price for the only time he bonds with his son.

That night, I cried a lot, my mother and sisters tried consoling me, but nothing could stop me. I felt like it was the last time I would be allowed to drive. I felt like I let my father down. Even worse, I felt like I was about to lose the only time I got to spend with my dad.

The next morning, while I was still asleep, my dad woke me up and tossed the keys over to me and asked me the get the car out, like nothing had ever happened. I obliged. We got in, he even lets me drive, but said the three words that I will never forget, “Look both sides.” “Dubai tira her.” That was it.

Today, when I am getting in the car with him again, this time with a license and 10 years of experience of looking both sides. I know I am not going to mess it up. But I was scared not for people outside of our car but sadly for the ones inside.

I know we haven’t done this in a very long time. I know we have lost touch. But if we are to really be honest, we have never really talked a lot, to be in touch. Last time Dad and I did a trip, it was him driving me around. It was him, who would have my back. But today things are different. It is me, who makes stops and decides when to, it is me, who orders for food and asks my Dad what he wants and it is me, who pays the bill. He would stand right besides me like a timid young boy standing besides his father. If something were to happen today, I know for a fact that I would have my father’s back.

So, this time when we were driving. I let aside the generations of gap between us and put Prateek Kuhad’s music on and explained to him about how this Indian guy sings in English and how Obama made him famous all over the world. That, I explained was the real power of the internet. I knew he wasn’t a fan of listening and I thought he wouldn’t appreciate his son explaining things to him. But he actually seemed to listen.

I had been creating this image of him in my head about how he would not understand the things from my world. But maybe I have been wrong all along. I never once have tried to explain anything to him. Whenever I felt like he didn’t understand me, I haven’t given him a second chance like he did when I had made a mess. I have never asked him to look both sides. And I always thought that it was his job to try and get to me, understand me, but looking at how things have changed. I felt maybe it’s time for me to step up.

You know how they say life is a circle. You parents parent you when you are young until you become their parent when they are old. And my father is getting old. He is at that final quarter of the circle of life.

That drive has been one of my bests, we talked about all kinds of things, my future, his past, our future. I am not saying I am best friends with my father and there might always be this weird air between us but we won’t need Dhoni to be on the crease for us to exchange words again although we both know we would have enjoyed that a lot.